June 11th, 2004

Current Music: Jam Master J Subject: more posting!! Time: 12:30 am Current Mood: excited

well.. this x journal business will hopefully let me most more. yup.

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April 7th, 2004

Current Music: presidents of the united states of america Subject: work Time: 05:42 pm Current Mood: anxious

so im at work and im bored because were almost done. wooooo hoooo now i have to go to my aunts and finish that FUCKING research paper. fuck fuck fuck. i hate it. at least it will be done then i am going to make M3 a mix tape!!!!!!! yaya!!!!

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March 30th, 2004

Current Music: john brown's body Subject: a beautiful day with anni :) Time: 09:48 pm Current Mood: energetic

well first we drove to highland park and walked around and found a chill spot and smoked and talked and talked and talked and it was wonderful. i have missed that girl so fucking much. it makes me so happy when im with her. we just both tend to get kind of intense, so its nice to take breaks. but its like time never passed. wonderful. its funny the way we go through the exact same things at the exact same times even if we dont see each other for months. what a wonderful person i have found in this life, and feel so honored to call my best friend. then when we were walking back to the car (the sun had set by then) and the SKY WAS B E AU TI F U L!!!! it was dark dark blue with fluffy pink clouds and then it got darker and we could see stars and still there were clouds i guess the planets aligned last night. fucking \m/ so then we decided to go to javas, and anna was like, ok go all the way to the top i want to show you something. so we parked the car.... and got out.... and walked over to the railing that was next to a tall building filled with windows and we heard m u s i c from every window... they were all different classes from eastman, and we could hear the people singing and the pianos and the trumpets... there was this one woman singing opera that just made me tingle all over... and then the church bells rang. so we went into javas and realized how stoned we were and made asses of ourselves and got 2 big good $1 cookies, and anni got hot chocolate and i got chai. and the guy told me it was special chai just for me. i cant tell what that means. and we talked some more and then i brought her home and she checked her messages and then i tooker to meet raphael dylan and tristan. and i wish i could have hung out with them however i had to be home. blah. someday soon though. still have to finish my term paper. mother fucker.

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Current Music: the mars volta Subject: not sleeping Time: 03:57 am Current Mood: anxious

well i had to work on my term paper tonight. so its 4 am and im just going to sleep now. fucking a. i went outside to have a cigarette and smoke some weed because i was trying to avoid doing work and i heard something accross the circle and it freaked me out but then i stood really still and it moved towards me i swear to god it was shuffling feet and i saw something come at me and i freaked out and ran inside holy shit it sucked so then i shook for about 10 minutes and then it got better. sheesh. that was a lot. mother fucker. i hope sleep comes easily this morning.

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March 29th, 2004

Current Music: im in the computer lab. Subject: a good cry Time: 10:15 am Current Mood: enthralled

at fairport high school we have something called brotherhood sisterhood week. its nice... kind of a laid back week stressing tolerance and respect for your fellow humans and we have speakers and we go visit the elementary schools and its just a nice time. today my favorite english teacher, john baynes spoke. he is just the most influential and smartest man EVER. i cried during his whole speach, and at one point he went "hey wheres ames?" and i raised my hand and he said what an awesome kid i am. *grin* shit man. it felt good to cry while i listened to his words. he is someone who i want to have marry me someday (seeing as hes a judge.) such an amazing father figure... wow. he and G are coming to taylor mali. holla!!

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March 26th, 2004

Current Music: talking heads Subject: <3bumblexbee<3 Time: 11:55 pm Current Mood: good

so today instead of going to school i sat on my front steps and smoked and while i was sitting there enjoying the SUNSHINE a bumblebee flew past my face and stopped and looked at me and almost seemed to smell me as it bumbled around the front yard and i was so rediculously happy to be with that bumblebee that i told everyone about it and made online homages to it and it was a beautiful moment that i could have stolen with my camera but instead i enjoy the memory

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March 25th, 2004

Current Music: radiohead Subject: do YOU write for ME or for your VANITY Time: 08:03 pm Current Mood: pensive

someday i am going to wake up and realize that the world is full of answers i will wake up and kiss the spots on the bed the spots of tears and rips and stains and on my hands and in my hair i will kiss it all kiss the world because i will be free and i will know the meaning of my life and what i should do and exactly how to do it and it will be the best day of my life your eyes will open become amazed by all the joy radiating off of my body the whole world will want to kiss me back and i will be beautiful i will be able to stop time and stare at the photographs to pinpoint the seconds between happiness and then i would count them i would count every single happy moment of my whole life and i would make a list of them and write poems about them and relive them all through an unseen camera lense and then i will die happy finally complete and happy

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March 18th, 2004

Subject: doo doo doo doo Time: 09:15 am

so im sitting in senior writing, and someone just told me that someone put an ad in the newspaper (the personals) and it said that said individual wanted to eat someone. another person replied... and the guy ate him. fuckin weird. yeah. so im excited- taylor mali on april 26th and eyedea sometime in may. its going to be awesome. i start my job at wink photo today, from 1-6. yay!! giving me 27 hours a week at at least 8$ an hour. gonna be sweet!!! yeah im high. the end.

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March 10th, 2004

Current Music: radiohead Subject: the poem that was inspired (indirectly) by a drawing of robs mother that his father did Time: 10:59 pm Current Mood: artistic

there are a million reasons to turn my thoughts into art with layers of emulsion and chemicals, light captured on to paper, single moments captured on to paper, single moments captured in technology forever because of me i did this. its mine. my guts are spilled all over the film, congealed and formed into snapshots of my soul and i can really see people for who they are-when theyre not looking-when they catch me looking, when they pose for me-when they hate what they see because they are all beautiful when the sun hits their faces, captures their eyes and makes everything glow yellow (i overexpose compulsively) and bite my fingernails and smoke and smoke and s m o k e and yes, this is all there too, my self portrait is in every shot i ever take its in the angles and the way the couch sits in the room looking used and empty not to mention the self portraits that make me feel vain the ones that make me look like i have a secret, i know something the rest of the world wants to know and ill tell you if you ask me nicely but not the first time i dont just steal your soul i steal mine and they entwine before my very eyes under red lights in dark rooms, eyes adjusted like some blind cave lizard who lives by instinct get the timing right one second too long or short can be everything like waiting for that first kiss with blinking eyes like blinking shutters read thoughts and faces immortalized memories of a reality i create with my camera

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Current Music: hammel on trial Subject: streeeaaatch Time: 02:07 pm Current Mood: sleepy

yes another gauge in the ear. up (or down?) to a 6. gonna go to at least a 2. fuck my feet smell reeeeally bad... i dont know if the answer is to change my socks or go to sleep. possibly the latter. guh. tim gave me a discontinued maniquin arm from the gap. im going to paint/decopage it and put bracelets and such on it and use it to hold my keys because its MAGNETIC!!! mehhhhhhhhhh i think its nap time. yeap.

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March 9th, 2004

Current Music: soul coughing Subject: mister darcy is a cat Time: 07:55 pm Current Mood: mischievous

oh my banAnna. i love her. yeah so today was pretty boring. i woke up. i went to school. i skipped phys ed accidentally because i thought it was a non phys ed day so i just went and played with myspace.com in the art room, come to find out it WAS a phys ed day. shit. if i had known i was skipping i would have done something a little more fun...like umm... ate a penny and pooped it out. i dont know. then i left school. and i picked up my new contacts. and i took a nap. then i heard a strange noise and woke up and grumbled because i thought it was my grandmother being creepy and it was M3 yay!!!!!!!!!!! even when being creepy, i love him oh so much. and tim is on his way to get me now were going to see club dread (even though ive already seen it hehe) its still good and i cant wait to see it again *flash to audience of passion of the christ- me- I KNOW HOW THIS ONE ENDS!!!!!*

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March 8th, 2004

Current Music: taylor mali Subject: i have no fucking subject Time: 10:52 pm Current Mood: lonely

wellllllll i dont have a whole lot to say other than i really hate being away from mike and i miss him even NOW even though i was with him all fucking weekend. blah. whatever. sometimes i like punctuation and sometimes i dont i never like to Capitalize. ♥Jesse ames and ♥Mike mcfadden Will never adopt no gruesome girls. Wish to watch television together. Heart each other. Orchestrated by ianiceboy ♥Jesse ames and ♥James spader Doing their best to have one gruesome child. Can't stand to skinnydip periodically. Heart each other. Orchestrated by ianiceboy thats right. my two loves. M3 and SPADER

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February 24th, 2004

Current Music: eyedea Subject: gooooos goooooooos Time: 10:07 pm Current Mood: sick

yeah. so pretty much my life is kind of boring right now. i have felt no need to spew my innards all over this web community. seriously. ive had nothing i wanted to put up here. but a summary will do. i still live with my grandparents. its become permanent. my mother is an insane insane woman. thats become standard. i still love her more than words could ever say, partially because i know shes going to die someday. that sounds vague, if you know me, you know its not. anyways, my brothers are all doing well. all three of them. i worry about little james though. he had to move schools. oh yeah! thats right! my insane mother moved to honeoye falls. to an empty house. to an empty life. my mother has lost all of her motivation it seems, all of her causes, all of the things that she used to hold dear. my mother eats meat now. jesus christ. school is lame. this is to be expected. what 15 weeks left of high school? holla! then RIT. fantastic. i cant wait. rocky has been a lot a lot of fun. i think im going to run for FT cumby one of these days. i love doing it. its really my only tie to theater anymore. i got so sick of the high school bull shit (only to find it exists in EVERY theater group you join) but you know what i mean. the best thing in my life right now, is mike. he is... wow. i dont even know how to talk about mike really. hes just the only person i can feel comfortable pretending to fuck in the ass. hahahah. oh man. ohhhh man. i went to see him tonight, knowing that i would only be able to stay for about 20 minutes, but i went anyways because i knew that just seeing him would light up my day. *grin* jeeez louise. ive been sick the past week or so. fucking cough. grrrrr. i hate it more than i can say. its gotten almost better though, i can stand to have a cigarette every now and again without completely dying. hurray. ummm im trying to think of what else is new in my life. nothing really. uhhh shorter hair, darker hair, no more septum ring (the shock value wore off i suppose heh) and yeah. pretty much yeah. i might get a new job at wink photo. i love working at hot topic (anti corporate corporate america forever!!) but see, i need a job that gives me enough hours, and pays me more than minimum wage. christ almighty. ive found that i really like using the lords name in vane. seriously. makes me feel like an old woman. at least i refuse to watch the weather channel with my grandparents. seriously, when they fucking watch a sitcom, they sound like the studio laugh track. they laugh at all the right jokes, sigh when they are supposed to, and gasp at those pivital moments when one of the friends announces that they have really been a transgender gay man the whole series. woopdeefuckingdoodah. allrighty well tim is coming to get me so we can get coffee at this late hour in the night, because really, who wants to sleep? not me. hah. HAH. HAHAHAHAH. meh.

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December 31st, 2003

Current Music: none...which is weird Subject: BOSTON!!!! Time: 12:45 am Current Mood: silly

wow i havent updated this thing in forever, but right now im in boston and i thought i should :) lets see where to begin... well, heidi and myself woke up at 530 on monday mornign and caught a train to nyc(where we would catch another one to boston). on the train it was like 95 degrees and we were sweaty and nasty and i slept a lot and worked on my dreads and heidi worked on my dreads and i wrote a paper for heidi about my favorite ee cummings poem and that was that. we got there around 330, and saw my aunt and my cousin at penn. station! go figure! then leo came and met us and walked around with us and took us to a little deli where i ate a delicious cheese sandwich and watched latino televison. then we went back to the train station because we had to catch our train at 540. and we saw 3, thats right count them 3 hookers! and one was wearing all red whore clothes and they kept calling her kool aid and big red and it was hilarious. and leo said "damn, she would have to pay me!" and i laughed a lot. so our train ended up being like an hour late, so around quarter to 7 we got on and on the train there was this little girl who kept talking about how she had lice and heidi and i kept itching our heads. blah. then we played m.a.s.h. a few times and that ruled, i ended up marrying merv. heidi ended up marrying shawn. we did one for greg and he ended up marrying big red. teehee. so around 11 we got to boston and greg and his 14 year old brother andrew came and got us and took us to gregs. then we just kind of hung out and greg and heids kept smooching so i went upstairs and fell asleep. i had weird dreams all night. i woke up in the morning (around noon) and my right arm was so asleep i thought it didnt exist....weirdest ever. then greg went and got his friend craig and we all went on the train (more like a bus on rails than the train we were on previously) along with andrew and jackie, gregs 10 year old sister. we went to nathanial hall, and quincy market, and i ate a bread bowl with broccoli soup inside of it and then i got my period. then we went shopping, and when we were in the gap, these ghetto girls made fun of me. "uhh..ill just take one nose piercing..thanks." and then the other one said "you. are. ugly." and i cried. and then we went in bath and body works and they were there and i cried again. but i got 2 shirts and a skirt on clearance, and a cheers shirt!!!!! yay!!!! then we went ice skating and hung around the park, which was a lot of fun. then we went to have dinner at the COOLEST restaurant, called fire and ice. its so neat, all the food is cold, and you just get a bowl and pick out whatever you want and you pick a sauce and then you bring it to this giant grill at the center of the restaurant and they make it for you!! it was delicious, i had tofu and noodles and garbonzo beans and pineapple and honey mustard sauce and all this other stuff. oh man. sooo good. then we came back and played KARAOKE REVOLUTION which is the coolest thing ever. i love it. *giggles* thats about all as of right now. i was in a bad mood for part of the day, but then i had a regular b.m. and now i feel ducky. looking back on the day it was a lot of fun, but i was kind of grouchy for a lot of it. oh well. i love you. and its ok to say that because you dont know who you are. if you do know who you are, i still love you. :) ps: i took pictures all day

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December 22nd, 2003

Subject: drunk da da da Time: 08:30 pm

drrrruuuunk!!!!!

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December 18th, 2003

Current Music: queen sarah saturday Subject: no news is good news Time: 02:27 pm Current Mood: lethargic

or something. nothing too big has happened recently....except i got in to RIT!~~!~~~!!!!! yay!!! :) but i got in an accident this morning :( :( :( car is sad. my vulva is broken again! baaahhh. and i didnt get to see return of the king. which sux0rz. meh. i have things to do. like ummm...sleep. yeap. sleep.

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December 9th, 2003

Current Music: ani difranco Subject: blah Time: 08:05 pm Current Mood: cranky

there is a knot in my stomach all the time, and it eats away at my insides i dont want to eat i dont want to sleep i dont want to think i dont want to do anything it has made me more or less a walking shell and ive lost what i used to keep inside of me. i was trying to think of a more poetic way to put this, but theres nothing beautiful inside of me right now. only cold. im going to die here. maybe not physically, but emotionally. i grew really strong in the past, and could block out things that made me unhappy, or whatever. and here... i become numb. but not in that good blocking way... in that deep infectious parasitic way. and i dont know what to do. well ive been reading a lot. thats how ive been trying to cope. through books. its keeping me at least half sane. and mike. hes been my rock. im lucky to have someone like him in my life. someone i can just talk to, i know i can always go over there. and just lay around and not do anything, but i just need to get out of this house of repression and delusion. i need to get out of here. 9 months and i dont have to deal with it anymore. but that 9 months could be just too much... the 9 months that will break me. these are important months, i shouldnt have to be feeling like this about where i live. its just not something that feels right to me. that i get anxious about going "home". im not going to eat anymore. the end.

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November 24th, 2003

Current Music: godspeed! you black emperor Subject: an appreciation for the small things Time: 07:43 pm Current Mood: mellow

theres no need to see my face im beautiful enough backlit by venitian blinds while the sun comes up over the tops of the trees and houses where the city sleeps and so do you my cigarette let itself burn out before i noticed the trail of blue smoke against the yellow lines i dont have to look to know youre reaching for me before i fall into the arms of someone else and the city still sleeps under the blanket of stars on the other side of the earth

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November 20th, 2003

Current Music: neutral milk hotel Subject: 26 letters short of one word to describe you Time: 10:06 pm Current Mood: hopeful

and i smile i can still smell you on me and i want you to hear my songs and wonder if they could ever possibly be about you and get butterfiles every time i touch your arm hold me tight one more night alone ill talk about the things that we couldnt care less about just to watch your eyes become bored and lose focus because i love the way i become white noise while we lay wrapped in each other and wishing we had words but all we have are lips and fingers and i trace you with them like storm clouds brushing the blue kissing the horizon becoming infinite and again i leave eight seven sixfivefourthreetwo one (star) and how i wish i had words

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November 14th, 2003

Current Music: none Subject: my support is unappreciated Time: 08:18 pm Current Mood: anxious

im sick of being like this. feeling this way. becoming less than ideal. inadequacy. blah. i dont even know what to say or think or feel anymore. should i give up? i cant give up. im not like that. i feel like i should. i dont know. i cant stress that enough... i do not know. meh. i guess im trying too hard. lets forget what we know. drive and drive and drive until we cant drive anymore

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